Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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