We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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