In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
