Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
