Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
