I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
