the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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