Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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