Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
