Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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