I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
