Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
