Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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