My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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