Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
sex in a hospital.. check
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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