mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
