my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
