i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
