I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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