Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
