1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
