he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
