Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
