I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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