thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
