Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
