Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
