please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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