non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
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