I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
