We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize