I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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