if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I just found puke in my bra..
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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