mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize