Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
