If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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