Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
