She is in my trunk
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize