I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
