Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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