i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
