my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
