hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
