Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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