Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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