I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
