Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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