youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
