i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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