I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
