I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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