why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize