As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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