Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
