Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
