I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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