my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
