dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
