I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
