Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
