Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize