I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
love makes seman taste better
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize