When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
