yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
