You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
