right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
