life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
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