operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
