After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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