All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
