Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
